Organized Chaos

Happenings

ckchao@optonline.net — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 23:06:46 GMT

I thought I should take a break for my failed attempt at a productive routine and inform you all that I think I'm going to get one or all of my wisdom teeth removed soon. This came from a recommendation by a dentist I saw several months ago. Apparently at least one of the teeth was in danger of becoming impacted, and i think that time has come. I now have a piece of my gumb that rests on part of the tooth in question. Trust me when I tell you it's not pleasant. Seeing a dentist to get things looked at on friday. Even if it's not impacted, it's certainly working on it, so it's probably better to clean house as soon as possible and before things become increasingly problematic. More on that as it develops.

I want to catch up with you

ckchao@optonline.net — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 01:20:29 GMT

So, nearly a month into the new year, I decided i'd finally catch up. A lot has changed, yet a lot has still remained the same. A friend once asked me if I spend all my time in self-analysis. Scarily enough, she's probably not too far from the truth. One thing is for sure. I refuse to bother with rigidly structured new years resolutions. Simply put, they never work. However, i do have a number of things for this year that I want to work toward.
June of 2007 marked the beginning of a transition; one that I desperately needed in order to maintain whatever sanity I had. i've come to terms with a lot of things that I previously ignored. I'm still a work in progress, and definitely still in repair, though a long way away from where I could've ended up if I wasn't so careful. Musically, I've been tempted to give up performance for a long time and focus on writing. Perhaps my real tallent, assuming I have any to begin with exists in the studio writing/producing songs. I haven't done any performing since June, and burnt out as I am, part of me misses it a great deal. A few months ago, I paid a visit to my high school just to scope out what's been going on. It was there that I went to the music lab and heard the recording of the last show I did before graduating. Honestly, I could've vometed all over the console it was that bad. That being said, there's very few performances that I've actually been happy with. I can't even think of any right now. Being what it is though, it still makes me very happy jus to be out there. I don't make any claims to be a good musician or anything crazy like that. I just love what I do and keep it a hobby.
School/dorming is still a transition in the works. Regretfully, there's a bunch of stuff that has yet to fall into place and sometimes, all of that makes living here a bit far from desirable. I'm getting there though, at least I'd like to hope so. Most times, I've felt inclined to do nothing else but stay up in this room and either sleep, or try and make sense of everything. It has immensely helped my social life, let me tell you.
On the personal front, I've made some very decent friends over the past couple of months, and did away with the many who were doing nothing but bringing me down in one form or another. It's really a funny feeling to look through your phone and see people who wouldn't ever remember your number, much less call you, unless of course they needed something. It made me reduce my phonebook by at least 20. Ordinarily, I suppose I'd be hurt by all that, but at least I'm being true to myself. The friends I ended up making in college so far are nothing short of amazing, and now is what really matters. I'm trying to branch out, do new things, connect with people better if I can, and possibly start leaving this room on a more regular basis sometime this century. So here's the thing. To any of you that I've left out of the loop or anyone that just wants to reconnect, I want to catch up with you, now that I'm on more solid ground. I'm more focused and I've got time. So hit me up whatever way you know how and we'll make this thing happen.

A request for Santa

ckchao@optonline.net — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 17:26:17 GMT

Dear Santa:
It would be greatly appreciated if you could facilitate the acquisition of a new and working pair of eyes for me. Doing so would enable me to cross certain streets with confidence and safety, and I wouldn't have to rely on other people who don't have a clue about where they're going. This is especially saddening in a world where a request to cross 23rd Street suddenly gets translated into an intention to cross 1st Avenue. If i feel a burning desire to deviate from my normal routine and go the absolute wrong way for a change, I can surely do it on my own. I do not appreciate this, though hearing a very feminine man say something about "presumptuous touching" on my way back really made my day that much more amusing.
Sincerely
An ever-devoted Buddhist supporter

Operation bath robe

ckchao@optonline.net — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 18:04:33 GMT

Yes, unnamed lady with thick spanish accent. I did indeed want to go to the shower, and thank you for correcting me in my half conscious state during the three foot towel journey from my room to the bathroom a few days ago. For the 1.5 seconds we exchanged words, you played a key role in my daily hygienic endeavor and made it that much more efficient. I hope you continued to clean to your heart's content, and appologize for any interuptions you experienced. You saved me from going way over to the opposite end of the bathroom, where there was nothing but a bunch of toilets, at which point I would have shaken my head in exasperation and turned around. I love dorm life.
Now for the real update:
High school is but a thing of the past. The rock show went by just like that. I don't have much to say about it. Spent some quality time with family and friends after that. California was nothing short of amazing, despite how sick i was feeling. Albany was dumber than dumb, but the people made it worth everything. Perhaps even being sick for the two weeks after. Working gave me money, and dquite a large amount. So i have no complaints as I'm still living off savings and my pockets continue to feel heavy. College life is crazy, especially with arguably one of the single most disorganized bureaucratic systems known to man. Any road to resolution there is, I'll have to take at a snail's pace. Thankfully, I'm not falling behind; god must be on my side this time around. It's ironic though. Every sinble problem I thought I was going to have, like problems that would make me completely fall on my face simply didn't show up. It's little things that happened as a result of other people's negligence that created the current roadblocks for me. Dorm life isn't anything great, but I expected no more. It's still very much a welcomed change, and most definitely a necessary one at that. I can undoubtedly use the breather from constantly being at home. That got old in a hurry.
I'll try and update a bit more regularly as soon as things settle down. Now, I'm off to hopefully do something productive.

Again

ckchao@optonline.net — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 22:09:29 GMT

i never thought I'd find myself writing in here again, but here I am. More disjointed ramblings for all to read. i'm unsure as to how long I can continue living so destructively. I was once told that if you've been deprived of something that you should have gotten, and then you get it, you go out of control for a while, start to abuse it, whatever. And with time and anything else, you eventually manage to pull yourself together and achieve some sort of equilibrium. For my own sanity, and the sanity of others, I hope that time comes soon. I didn't think I had it all figured out, but i thought i was starting to get a good head on my shoulders. Once again, Ive been proved wrong.
For the most part, my life has been centered around school as I wasn't the most proactive individual in the world, and wasn't involved with much else. In school, I could've easily blended in with the vast aray of desks, chairs, and other assorted school supplies. I kept to myself, and was a very private person most of the time. Any conflict between myself and anyone else there was few and far between, extremely petty and eventually blew over. I'd have to really think about it to recall any specific incident.
The amount of inconsistencies I have is more than slightly alarming. I could never explain why I deal with people the way I do, nor could I adequately explain my inability to do so about 90% of the time. It's as if i feel the need to be close, not just with some people, but with everybody. I hardly went out of my way to achieve that unless i really knew the people, but there was always that internal longing I felt on a regular basis. People respected me, in their own twisted way I suppose, but that respect often never transformed into much of anything substantial. No positive attention, and definitely no affection. I appreciated the friends I've made outside school, I still do. And I've been lucky enough to become close with a few of them.
I recall having a conversation with someone a few days ago, about how if something were to happen to me, my family wouldn't have much to say about me and the kind of person I was. The truth of the matter is, they don't really know me, and apparently, i'm one of many people my age that feels this way. It's different to intellectually grasp something, and to really feel its effects and take it in. I know my family loves me, but it's something I don't remember feeling much.
The thing with me is that as soon as someone shows the slightest bit of interest in me, not even in the romantic sense, i'm lost in the moment, and there's no stopping. It's gotten me in trouble in the past, and it has yet again. I guess I'm very easily caught off guard. I don't try to make what people do or say more than it is, but the moment I'm made to feel like I'm not just anybody, it's as if I'm on top of the world. It doesn't last long, and it's partly why I end up getting hurt and hurting people down the line.
I messed up horribly this time, and this could potentially be irreparable. The little bit of inner strength I actually do have comes from my constant strive to just be a better person, or in my opinion, do right for a change. Whatever happens, I hope it's for the best, and that it'll stop this stuff from perpetuating. As dumb as that may have sounded, it's what I believe, and I'm aware of what I do, even if hardly any of this makes an ounce of sense. I'm broken, that's the only real way to describe myself at this moment. You really don't know how capable you are of hurting someone until you actually do it, and that's what scares me. This is a place in myself I never wanted to be. A place I thought i left behind last year. I'm most definitely confused as to what the future holds, and lost as well.
I'm in no way attempting to gain sympathy, this started out and continued as pure analysis from my end. I just felt like it deserved to be written. This concludes my psychoanalysis for what will hopefully be a long time. It's too easy to become bitter, it's just lying to yourself and copping out. I absolutely refuse to be that way.

Survey Time...bitches

ckchao@optonline.net — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 08:43:09 GMT

*Everything Anyone Ever Wanted To Know About You*
The Basic Stuff
Name?:	Chris
Age?:	17
Height?:	5' 4 and change
Weight?:	the point at which one weighs less enough to look deathly ill
Birthday?:	October 12th, 1989
Birthplace?:	Flushing, New York
Current Location?:	Westbury
School/Grade?:	Senior at W. Tresper Clarke HS
Zodiac Sign?:	Libra
Chinese Zodiac Sign?:	if i remember correctly, a snake if that's what we're talking about
Righty or Lefty?:	righty
Haircolor?:	black
Eyecolor?:	brown before the doctors got to me
Skin Color?:	hella asian
About You
What's Your Family Situation (Parents, Siblings, etc)?:	live with both parents, two older sisters that no longer live here
Any Pets?:	nope
If So What Are They?:	too much responsibility
Favorite Relative?:	my whole family
Least Favorite Relative?:	my whole family...it varies really
What's Your Heritage/Race?:	predominantly Cambodian
Political Affilation?:	hmmm
Love & Sex
Sexuality?:	I'd like me a vagitarian diet, thanks
Are You In A Relationship Now?:	no
If So, With Whom?:
For How Long?:
Are You In Love?:	most definitely
Do You Have A Crush On Anyone?:	It happens :)
Ever Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex?:	NO
How Old Were You When You Had Your First Kiss?:	6 days before my 17th birthday
Virgin?:	Yes sir
If Not, How Old Were You When You Had Sex For The First Time?:	it'll be interesting to find out
Was It Enjoyable?:
What's The Farthest You've Ever Gone?:	use your imagination
Where Do You Most Like To Be Kissed?:	parts of my face, neck
Best Love Quote?:	"Not tonight honey, i have a headache." lol
Your Friends
Best?:	Nikki, Cortney, Andre, Caitlin
How Many Do You Have?:	too many aquaintences, a couple real close friends
More Guys Or Girls?:	I like me some female friends
Love Them All?:	love is a very strong word
Any You Wish You Were Closer To?:	certainly
Oldest?:	Andre is an old black bastard, though i've known Caitlin the longest if that's really what we're talking about
Newest?:	Nikki :)
Pen Pal?:	no one really, bunch of online friends though
Friends And Words: Associate Them
Pen:	Cortney's always writing
Flower:	I'll bet Arron likes pretty flowers
Pink:	Nikki
Window:	I recall singing "come to my window," while on the phone with Nikki for some reason
Heart:	Caitlin
Mother:	Andre's mom is great
Bread:	Caitlin
Insane:	Andre, hands down
Sunglasses:	Caitlin
Pimp:	Clarence lol
Cross:	Caitlin
Lonely:	Jaydene
Car:	Tina
Music:	Karen
This Or That
Boxers or Briefs?:	I could wear Either
Thongs or G-Strings?:	it's up to the girl
Shorts or Pants?:	pants
Shoes or Barefeet?:	barefeet
Books or Movies?:	books
Night or Day?:	night
Dark or Light?:	I live in darkness, and that's a pretty cool attempt at being emo
Mountains or Beach?:	beach
Snow or Sun?:	Sun
Pepsi or Coke?:	Coke
Guys or Girls?:	Girls
Swim or Surf?:	Swim
For or Against
Gay Marriage?:	for
Abortion?:	shouldn't be used as birth control, but it ultimately will be
Bush Getting Re-elected?:	I'm unsure as to whether i can have faith in a man who can't pronounce the word "nuclear."
Suicide?:	definitely against
War?:	no
Pants?:	nope :)
Clothes In General?:	nope :)
Penises?:	i've got one
Favorites
Color?:	black
Number?:	8, 3, 27
Holiday?:	Columbus day because it's very close to my birthday
Season?:	Summer
Movie?:	Good Will Hunting
Book?:	A Million little Pieces
Magazine?:	nope
Food?:	fooooooooooood...
Drink?:	tea
TV Show?:	nope
Song?:	Donell Jones - Where Wanna Be
Band?:	The Eagles and Vertial Horizon
Computer Game?:	npoe
Video Game?:	NO
Anime/Manga?:	not into all that
Shirt?:	a plain white t-shirt will do
Pants?:	Jeans
Actor?:	Robin Williams
Actress?:	don't know
Singer?:	Eric Benet
Flower?:
Scent?:	on a girl, whatever that crap Britney Spears made. best thing she ever did with her lack of a career
Animal?:	not an animal person
Cookie?:	peanut butter
The Future
Want To Go To College?:	yep
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?:	an attorney for now, but ultimately, happy and content with life, and settled down
Want To Get Married?:	Sure do
Want To Have Kids?:	Yes
What Would Their Names Be?:	not sure
How Many?:	No more than 3
Where Do You Want To Live?:	New York City, or in a nice suburban area
Where Do You Want To Get Married?:	wherever the most amount of people can actualy make it
How Do You Want To Die?:	in my sleep, or surrounded by my loved ones
More Stuff About You
Piercings?:	there'd be a bullet hole in my head if i got one
Tattoos?:	none
Smoke?:	disgusting
Drink?:	no appeal, but I'll bet it's great
Do Drugs?:	Never
Skinny Dip?:	Never done it
Greatest Fear?:	Failing at life, being alone, losing those I love
Chocolate or Vanilla?:	both please
Go To Church?:	no more than 10 times in my life, and all for music related things
Religion?:	Buddhist
Scars?:	Probably, undoubtedly, i just can't remember
CDs Owned?:	a couple hundred
Collections?:	music, recordings of people
Like To Be Naked?:	it's not such a bad thing
Ever Eaten Sushi?:	nope
An Entire Case Of Oreos?:	no way
Been On Stage?:	Not enough
Danced In The Rain?:	I look bad enough dancing
Kissed Someone Of The Same Sex?:	gross
Weirdest Dream?:	as a 3 year old child, i had a dream that i got lost whilst crawling around in my house, then i was picked up and placed in a car and didn't know where I was headed
Best Dream?:	Can't go into that
Saddest Dream?:	I'll pleed the fifth
Dream You Most Wish Would Come True?:	No
Think You're Attractive?:	Definitely not
Shoplifted?:	everything i could possibly shoplift doesn't have enough value. I couldn't shoplift a $3000 keyboard, or a computer or some such thing
Been Caught "Doing Something"?:	I thought, though that was just a picture board falling off the wall.
Weirdest Makeout Place?:	Khali's Mom's Car
Like Thunderstorms?:	I do
Favorite Shoes?:	Nike sneakers
Favorite Quote?:	"Basically, I'm complicated."
Best Advice Given?:	something having to do with loving and taking chances
Worst Advice Given?:	accept it and move on
Favorite Song Lyric?:	My biggest fear will be the rescue of me
What Quote Says Most About Your Life?:	I choose to use the word "boring"
Glad This Is Over?:	immensely
Take this survey \| Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

Plastic bags of shopping!

ckchao@optonline.net — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 07:47:28 GMT

Since i don't remember when exactly I last left off, I'll start from a random most significant point in my existence, go from there, and hope I'm doing my life justice? haha
In mid november, curlygurlie616 came home from college, and I had the pleasure of going out to dinner with her and friends. Granted, I got really sick for over two weeks to follow, but that as well as other subsequent events made it time well spent. Thanksgiving was a blur, mostly because of my being ill. There's literally not a day of my vacation that I didn't go back to sleep in the late morning/early afternoon. That's absolutely disgraceful, but I think I'll find it in my heart to forgive myself. Haha. Good times and good food were had by all. I returned home for 4 days, only to go out of town once again to the Allstate conference at which I performed. Once again met up with curlygurlie616 because I was in the area. Are my loyal readers beginning to witniss a pattern here? No, but on a more serious note, my parents have been sticking to tradition and didn't show up for this last performance either. I guess convenience and finances are a bigger factor with them than anyone else's parents. I'm not offended or hurt about it, for it's something I've learned to accept. I'm just glad to have some form of support this year, as last year I was stranded after the performance and just by pure coincidence, I ended up going to dinner with my room mate and his family. Trust me when I say, that this concert was the most gratifying musical performance that I've ever had the pleasure of being a part of. Never have I had the opportunity to experience "the moment," for lack of a better way of describing it. I'm sure that people like amazingstar know precisely what I'm talking about. It's like after leaving the first rehearsal, you feel like you've accomplished nothing, which in turn could inspire homocidal tendencies as it did with me. Then you build and build and build as time goes by, and then comes the performance. You give it all you've got because you've worked extremely hard for it, and nobody can judge you because you know exactly what you're there for. THe performance goes by, and you walk out of there knowing everything about it was perfect. OK, I kindly ask that anyone reading this forgives me for writing that last bit. It's really late at night/early in the morning, and i've gotten next to no sleep, and have no real capacity to actually present this in a coherent manner, so sue me. I'm not going back and editing.
I'll probably write more later, but I'm currently talking to my distraction from life and all its not so glorious moments. I need to take that quiz that audiorabbit03 put up on his page. I'm fully prepared to be amused.

Another entry

ckchao@optonline.net — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 06:54:50 GMT

You know, somewhere along the way, someone must've blatently told me that my judgement was a bit off. This, loyal readers, is no exception. Provided the college board cooperates and ships my braille materials on time, I should be taking the SAT in less than 6 hours. Yet, I'm sitting here writing in a blog. I'm sure there's a problem somewhere. Actually, I have a sneaking suspician of precisely what it is. Yes yes, I've managed to screw up my sleeping pattern, assuming that one existed in the first place. This weekend consisted of goodfood and conversation, and most prevalently, going to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning, and waking up around 11. I decided to quit and go to bed at close to 9:00, thinking that I'd be needing all the sleep i could get. THis only resulted in me waking up at a quarter to 1, wondering what I should do next.
Good things follow, in no particular order:
+Nassau Suffolk vocal jazz starts this week
+going into the city friday
+both sisters and the potential brother in law thing coming up in a few weeks
+Allstate concert
+a solid cumulative unweighted GPA of 3.0 and change
Other than being perpetually unproductive, I'm still looking into colleges, potentially finding myself in the CUNY system from the looks of things. All that can be slightly overwhelming when one is extremely ignorant like myself, and really doesn't know too much about what to look for in a college. I'm glad for the rigidity of my standards at this point in time, though I wouldn't necessarily call them standards, it's simply for lack of a better term. There simply has to be a very good and valid reason for me to even consider starting in a private institution. It's only my undergraduate work, and I'm obviously planning on going to graduate school, law school in particular. It's really not a matter of laziness in my opinion, it's just that as much as I kick myself for it, I need to take small steps for now. IT took me long enough to get my feet back on the ground with high school. I'm really not trying to be bothered with loans, seeking an approximation of 72000 scholarships, or being a financial burden on my parents. Not now at least, it's all too soon in my opinion. Not to mention, I really haven't the first idea about the process, though i'm sure it's a bit lengthy, as things involving that much paperwork tend to be. So, i'll save someone a tree or 12 and call it a day. I played with the idea of doing one or 2 years in the SUNY or CUNY system at the school of my choosing, establishing myself and working up to my standards, and transfering over, though i'm debating as to whether or not it's worth all that. Someone once told me that I could be ivy league material if i really tried. As usual, I really don't se that, but I guess the greatest people don't. I see that I've got the potential of coming fairly close, and my high school grades confirmed it this year. It gives me a sense of comfort, especially imagining how things would be if i took more initiative and applied myself. I can honestly say that I'm better motivated, which can only serve to my advantage. As usual, I find myself distracted by ims, so at this point I should leave this entry open ended and totally ruin the thought process.

Breaking News

ckchao@optonline.net — Fri, 06 Oct 2006 06:43:05 GMT

It has been brought to my attention at roughly 2:41 A.M. that Nikki or curlygurlie616 has officialy decided to have my chink babies, and unconditionally at that. I promise a real update by the end of the weekend. I really do.

Does a bad start mean a bad finish?

ckchao@optonline.net — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 04:40:35 GMT

Well, as the subject says, my day started off rather bad. I messed around with sampling and other such things, took the card out of my keyboard to load other things onto it from the computer, put it back into the keyboard to find out that it no longer wanted to read the card. Having found this to be the slightest bit surprising as it just loaded my original bank of sounds no less than 15 minutes ago from the same card, I decided to put it back into the reader on the computer. IT still works just fine. So the long and short of that is, the smart media card interface on my keyboard is more than likely broken, or needs to be reconnected or something similar. Hell, I even initialized the keyboard to its default settings, formatted the card and no luck. I'm really, really annoyed about that since there's a tiny crack, more like a nic in the edge of the card, no where near the actual memory, just on the outside shell, but things always happen, and they definitely will. If you're into technology at all, you'll know that smart media is being or has been phased out for quite some time now. As a matter of fact, I am almost inclined to agree that they are hardly making them anymore, if at all. THe ones they do sell are a bit on the expensive or unreasonable side. The problem here is, I have no other card as a bakup in case this one dies, and they always do, sometime. Not being able to load sounds, samples, or operating system upgrades into such a device really defeats the purpose in a not so nice way. SO basically, I own a keyboard that uses a storage medium that is virtually nonexistent in this day and age. And that, my friends, gets annoying in a hurry.
It's currently sitting in a shop, at which point I will have to wait 10 to 15 business days for a tech to even look at it. I'm feeling slightly compelled to just pick it up from the shop and bring it home, as all I have is a claim stub and I've yet to put any money down. It's not a matter of instant gratification as much as it is a matter of common sense and perhaps saving money. It does, however raise the question about how I will choose to handle things from now on. The newer model has support for USB storage which isn't really dying anytime soon. If i could get a reasonable amount for my existing one and then get the newer model used, that'd be really, really good. I think the most annoying factor in this equation is that I've yet to make a dime off this keyboard and it was quite an investment. THe only things I've gotten from it are personal gain and attention perhaps. That in itself is good enough for me, but I kind of wish I'd done more, to make it that much more gratifying, but what's one to do? Whatever, I'd rather not think about it now. THings just seem a bit unstable, now that i know about the limited availability of smart media cards. I feel like a dork. lol
P.S. Anyone know when the new yamaha motif is supposed to come out? I'm just curious.

A birthday kind of thing

ckchao@optonline.net — Tue, 30 May 2006 08:15:56 GMT

A late happy birthday to borrisinabox. You have issues, yes you do. Oh wait, but since I learned quite a few things from yourself, doesn't that then imply that I've got issues as well? Just something to ponder.
Happy birthday to freakyfwoof. You too are strange in your own right, and have taught me your fair share of valuable things. Whether it was how to play a certain chord, helping me figure something out when I was too lazy to read the manual, or yelling at me afterword for being lazy, thanks all the same. lol. It's been good having a big brother around so to speak. You just keep being the british nigger you are, and we'll be alright. Hehe
A real update will follow, when i can be bothered to write one.

Get mine, get yours

ckchao@optonline.net — Mon, 22 May 2006 23:04:37 GMT

Gotta love when people just find it in them to bring you down and never encourage you. Now I'm just angry, with statements like "i don't see you surviving through college if you can't survive through high school." Or "Either you will or you won't, and my money is on that you won't. But it doesn't matter what I think." Well, I simply said that it evidently does matter what the person in question thinks, but oh no no no, it's just a form of expression. I've got no problems with other people who've had better relations with their itinerent teachers. Maybe they actually came off supportive. But if you're not gonna be supportive, then just do your job. You don't want to be supportive, yet you want to breathe down my neck and criticize me for whatever I do. I don't hand something in and it's a problem, but when I eventually do, i get the "This was an assignment from ages ago," speech. I'll say this now. People simply can not have it both ways. And if I decide to tell lies so I can get credit I deserve, credit I would've gotten, had it not been for my emotional health then that's my decision. And if people honestly think that's how I operate, then they're more jaded than I gave them credit for. Let's get this clear, I've got no one to answer to but my subject teachers if they want answers. Quite frankly, I'm ever so tired of being patronized like a small child. If someone's known me for 12 years, it's their decision to get to know me on a personal level, to know who I am and what I stand for. But without knowing that, I feel it's entirely backward to try and make assumsions about me. I'm not expecting everyone to be supportive, but don't try to act like some kind of interdiciplinary system between me and my teachers. If they don't have anything to say directly to me, then nothing should be said. It's always about my faults, the way I don't do anything, and how my primary focus should be on fixing the problem at hand. Results results results, that's what everyone wants to see, but when it comes time to finding a means to achieve the results, nobody can say anything, cause it's not their place. Doesn't she get it? I'm not here to satisfy her, and damn me if I'll ever try again. And it's just like she's not here for the common good of her students. She's gotta do what it takes to get paid. I gotta get mine, in my own right as well. And I love how she says that I'll never make it through high school. Firstly, who the fuck are you to tell me that? I'll say it time and time again. I've never ever ended up in summer school, I've always found a way to pull through, an honest way. Nobody was going to do the work for me, and dispite everything going on, I found a way to do it, because I was not going to allow myself to fail out. She's retiring at the end of the school year. Just 3 some weeks away. That gives her no reason to try and make decisions for me. "You should take fewer courses, even if it means you won't graduate on time. Least you won't fail out." Is it all black and white to these people? Because someone with my intellect doesn't fit her mold because of a personal belief as opposed to ignorance? Carmen says it's time to prove her wrong in that case. Maybe that's a good thing, but I just hate doing stuff like that out of being spiteful, be it benefitial to myself or not. Thing is, she's actually the only one who sees my ability and is supportive. Oh well. It'll get done regardless, because I want it to. More when I'm not being distracted.

Memories

ckchao@optonline.net — Sun, 14 May 2006 19:19:00 GMT

I've always wondered why you often don't know where exactly you stand with people. Are they lying to you, lying to themselves,or both? All a matter of trust I suppose, but I can't say for certain. Seeing as I'm nearing the end of my junior year, and there's another class of seniors that will be graduating, I can't help but increasingly wonder what people know me as. Am i going to be remembered as the quiet blind guy that was a social outcast, yet intriguing to some? Or maybe the blind guy who blew the vocal jazz program out of the water, steping up constantly to solo because others plain and simply didn't have enough confidence to improvize over a certain set of chord changes? Throw a couple of sevenths in there and everyone's confused. FOr all I know, I may just be remembered as the blind guy. That's probably the more likely result than anything else. It's funny how people just pop into your life out of nowhere. For example, while walking in the cafeteria the other day to find a seat, I was called to a table with someone I later found out was in my American History class, and another girl in the 10th grade. Anyways, the girl I have history with is called Jessica, the last name escapes me. If it's the person I think it is, it's the same person in third/fourth grade who didn't even want me in her presence. Half the time when I just tried to be social (when I actually made a nominal effort), I'd be ignored or laughed at, very directly. People like herself were the cause and beginning of most of my anger and resentment towards the general population. Now I just feel numb, no anger, mostly just feeling as lonely as black kids in Alabama do (or something). Knowing what I know, I was still generally willing to talk. It was a nice time, though pretty much smalltalk the whole time, but those had to be the more pleasant minutes in that whole week. People sure grow up I guess, that's the only reasoning I can have for it. That resentment has me asking myself what people want, or what they're trying to accomplish. Not that it's a personal issue, there's tons more people who contributed to my resentment. But when anyone does that, I start wondering away. I have a class with this person, and on the two days I walked in to eat on a period I normally have class, she decides to talk. Oh well, it was nice, very rewarding in fact. I just wish I knew, or better yet, I wish there wasn't anything to know at all.
I have rehearsal Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday for the next three or so weeks. That's two hours each day. I'm going to be someone very frantic in just a few days. And I love this song. Very simple chord changes, all major, D, G, A, Back to G, and it starts again. Yet i've had it on repeat for however long it's taken me to write this out. More updates as I think of them.

ckchao@optonline.net — Sat, 13 May 2006 17:30:05 GMT

She's here...and for good.
That's all that matters.
Oh, and on a totally unrelated note, I'd like to welcome and potentially make curlygurlie616 feel special. That is all. More later.

Time heals all, or so they say

ckchao@optonline.net — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 09:20:14 GMT

I'm thinking this blog deserves an update, even though probably nothing of interest or significance to the select few readers will show up on these virtual pages, but I can try, right? I've had a lot of thinking time at my disposal, most of which was used fairly well. This is by no means a pity party for me, I'm writing this down for my own purposes in an attempt to clear my head. I've concluded that I am, in no uncertain terms, a fuck up. I'm partly there if nothing else. I have somewhere near 47 or 48 school days until the end of my junior year. Subtract the days that final exams are administered, and that drops the number quite a bit as well, by about 7 or 8. Obviously, this doesn't give me much time, and the fact that I'll have to work extremely hard for the remainder of this school year is more or less an understatement in my opinion. of course, being half sensible as I try to be, I could keep doing what I'm doing and get off ok, as I'm in no real or immediate danger of failing or something equally as bad. But I've settled for just OK because that seemed like the thing to do at the time, a very long time if i may add. I can't do that anymore. Not with knowing what I'm capable of. Of course more is better, and more is what I intend on doing. I've got control, just not a lot, and that's slightly disconcerting. I suppose that what I have the most trouble geting across, even to me is that my problems are not only with school, but nearly everything that requires a major or minor commitment on my part. I find myself exhausted almost all the time, both physically and mentally. As some of you may know, I've had issues sleeping for close to two years now. And mentally, we all pretty much know the deal with that. It is extremely difficult for one to function adequately when both the mind and body are exhausted, at least that's what I've figured out. It's also become extremely apparent that I've far too many distractions around me, one of them being that place we call the intenet. That being said, I'm most likely going to take the next couple weeks and be online at a very minimal level. Unfortunately, it's all I have so it's kind of a double edge sword, but I'll be able to concentrate on school, which is the most important task at hand as far as I'm concerned. Life doesn't stop at 16, though I sometimes wish it would. At least I'd know for sure that I was destined to fail and would no longer have to try and change it. More than anything now, I want and need a legitimate opinion of my situation from someone. This doctor doesn't know me, and seems to want to pave the way for getting me doped up on antidepressants after two sessions; 15 to 20 minutes of the first session being spent filling out information forms. I should clarify, he's only a psychologist, but wants to refer me to another doctor to evaluate whether these meds will help me. I just don't think it's right, not after two like 45 minute sessions, he has no idea. Drugs are drugs, and I'd really prefer not to have the dependency. I mean, if they can actually prove that there is a chemical unbalance then so be it, but what if they can't? Am I scared? Most definitely, and it's not even about the meds, not all of it anyway. I hope to god that I can function better in college, I really do. Forget being able to excell, functioning would be plenty good, but with the way things are going, it doesn't seem even half promising. Yes, problems are what I have. Help is what I need in order to make it through, I just wish i knew what. Being totally alone doesn't assist me any either, but that can change. And with that, I will stop boring you all with my pescimistic rambling.

It's quite time for a something

ckchao@optonline.net — Wed, 05 Apr 2006 18:48:13 GMT

I'm just writing in here to wish caitlin45 a very happy birthday. now get out of my age! And since you're on the left coast, and as it's not even 3:00 here, I'll be thinking of you in amusement at 1:02 and 3 seconds, your time of course. Thank you, and have a nice day.

ckchao@optonline.net — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 23:28:55 GMT

Right, since everyone seems to have questions about the last post, it was simply writing for writing's sake; to break away from the norm and write something totally random because I could. Anyways, I found out somewhere through the course of today that there is a student attending the junior high named Jack Daniels. You can imagine what a problem I must've had with that. It would appear that this kid got sent to detension, and the teacher doing detension that particular period thought the assistant principal might have been pulling a prank on her when she got the memo. Well, we all had quite a laugh when she came into my music theory class to ask another teacher about this. Yes ladies and gentlemen, that was the highlight of my day, and that's just as good a break from the norm as any.
It was decided by family that I get some sort of medical attention. Yes, they call those doctors, and hopefully the purpose of said doctor will not be just to give up, tell me I've some sort of chemical unbalance and give me a bunch of happy pills. I kind of went along with it, and wil continue to do so until I genuinely feel it's a problem. Right now I'm at a loss myself, and couldn't think of any other direction to go, and not doing anything leavs only one direction which is down. So that's the story with my life for now. I'm anticipating a change, or i can hope anyway.

It all starts with thread

ckchao@optonline.net — Tue, 21 Mar 2006 20:58:46 GMT

Thread is just a less complex version of string. String is a thinner version of cord. Cord is rope, only not as complicated. Therefore, it all ends in rope.

Would you like fries with that?

ckchao@optonline.net — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 03:58:21 GMT

I haven't much to say, yet something told me to write in here. I went to the blind thing today and saw kerrisayshi, lilmizmombassa, and many others. Good times and good food made things well worth it, i guess. At the bare minimum, it was something to do, so I can't complain. Albany was moderately fun, though a bit of a drag as I became increasingly sick as the trip progressed. My outlook and perspective is steadily shifting as usual. I'm down more than up which again, is a drag, but that's just the way of the world I guess.
A lot of things are becoming a nuisance to keep up, mostly my obligations with music. That's why I was so thrilled when I got back in town from Albany. No more major commitments aside from the group I'm in on saturdays. I love doing music and all, but it leaves me extremely burned out and tired after too much. Perhaps that's why I couldn't really go into music full-time, because I know my limitations.
Somewhere along the way, between winter break and now, I'd decided that I no longer want to go into computer science if I don't have to. i've started considering something having to do with networking or telecommunications as there seems to be a greater and increasing demand for that kind of work, though I didn't arrive at that conclusion from any kind of thorough research or anything like that. Welcome to the most productive thing I've done in a month. My next allstate audition is on March 31st, and it doesn't phase me in the least. I'm just not excited about it. I hope I'll get in again, but that's about the extent of it. THings like that don't appeal to me as much as they once did. I'm probably coming off like some insanely miserable person if i haven't already, so out i go. Where has all my writing skill gone?

Cortney says she is the best thing since sliced bread

ckchao@optonline.net — Thu, 09 Mar 2006 20:24:06 GMT

YEs, ladies and homosexuals. This is what Cortney Rae Glonka has currently told me to write in my live journal, so I'm doing just that. I'm currently on skype with ember_fire, just relaxing and trying to take my mind off being sick, which is working more than well. Life has been a blur, as most thingstend to be when you're sick. Drifting in and out of sleep when you have a fever creates some very interesting results. My phone is in my pocket, making the beepbeep noise, signifying that it is again in need of a charge. Am I going to charge it? probably not for the next half hour or so. I'm lying in bed, with my head resting against the headboard, and somehow, it feels good. Through all the frustration I'm holding inside, there's that glimps of hope that comes every now and then, and it feels good as well. I'm going back to school tomorrow, as I've gotten marginally better since yesterday. THen I'm headed to Albany on sunday. Yay for amtrak, or something.

ckchao@optonline.net — Sat, 25 Feb 2006 09:03:12 GMT

Wow, some people just don't give up. I'd been added to msn twice by a certain person. Having been blocked and deleted twice, they proceed to add me to live journal. I'm all for socializing, but really, some people should take a hint. For the purpose of keeping it anonymous, I won't directly say that jenny_15 is the person in question.

Winter break fast approaching

ckchao@optonline.net — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 09:15:39 GMT

I've been using this new hand sanitizer recently and the smell is extremely strong. Every time I use it, I can walk around for a while smelling like something closely resembling a french whore. Not much has been going on as of late. I'm going to baltimore on tuesday. Yes, i know what you're all thinking, and you're right, but it's something to do, and getting out of the house is getting out of the house. Therefore, getting out of the house means no longer being reclusive, even if it should be temporary. After that, I'm being picked up and headed straight for Virginia. Then I'm headed to albany on the 12th to the 14th of March, by train no less. That should be interesting. It's the reunion for the Allstate jazz groups, performing for state legislative thingies.
Right now, I'm just sitting here talking to Jaydene over MSN and catching up with her. It seems that every time I attempt writing an entry, it always becomes scattered. So here are some more thoughts. I'm hopefully going to the junior banquet with albinogirl_fox so that should definitely be good if all works out. In my current distracted state, I think I will depart.

What to say?

ckchao@optonline.net — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 07:55:30 GMT

It's definitely been too long since I've written in here. Or perhaps it hasn't and I've got you believing that. Either way, here's an update.
I've been really busy with school and such since I last wrote, and it doesn't look like it's calming down much until the end of this week probably. I've got goals set for myself which I won't go into right now because of time constraints, but I do think they're realistic. Not too long ago, I recieved a letter regarding the junior banquet, and am still unsure as to wether I should go or not. The reason I'm slightly reluctant, is the obvious lack of any permanent social interaction between myself and the rest of the junior class. I seem to get on far better with a few seniors, but even that hasn't really been sustained to any degree. Money's not an issue ($65), parents will pay if they believe it's worth while, in which case, things like this, provided I go are worth while.
You can call it inspiration (even though you probably won't), and I can call it being bored. I'm almost bored enough to add myself as a member to the schools directory in lj. Of course everyone's on MySpace now, because 95% of people are conformists, and that's all fine and well, but I'm curious to see if anyone would be so unfortunate as to stumble across this very journal. I can see it now though. Welcome to self induced incrimination, and tainting my lack of reputation even more.
"What's the payoff?" you ask. Well, nothing really. It may give me something to do and perhaps keep my mind occupied for another 22 seconds, but that's really it. Anyone know how to delete archives? lol
i have come to the following most revolutionary, earth shattering, and life changing conclusions. Observe.

It is getting increasingly closer to the time at which I should be waking up.

I am struggling to keep my eyes open.

The comfort of this nice bed that I own is becoming more and more appealing by the second.

I am going to bed.

What's to report?

ckchao@optonline.net — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 16:46:11 GMT

In answre to that question, I'm not exactly sure myself. Life has been its normal self for the most part, things are getting slightly better, so there's at least that. I've been moderately happy so I can't complain a whole lot. School is school, and I've somewhat had a change of heart, I'll write about all that when it's all figured out. It goes without saying that thanks to certain people, I'm much more secure than I had been in the past.
out of boredom, I started playing with some DXI and VST softsynths last night. I really want to make improvements to this whole recording thing and gett all that I can out of it, given the limitations of course.
I can't say i'm caught up with all my work, because I'm not, but I'm almost at that point. Now if i could just be sensable enough to actually maintain the daily amount, I wouldn't have to think much about catching up. Oh well, that's something that I've always understood intellectually, shame I can't apply it. lol
I will now proceed to hit this post entry button. Have a nice something.

The highlight of my day

ckchao@optonline.net — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 20:26:20 GMT

OK, this is totally weird and stupid. I'd left my computer on last night, and then came home to find it totally crashed. On the attempt at rebooting, it went straight to the screen where it tells you what keys to press to enter the bios, etc, then it proceeded to show a screen that said "press any key to reboot." After finally finding the "any" key, i pressed it, and the whole thing repeated. I open up the case just for shits and giggles, and come to find that one of my IDE cables is loose at the motherboard. And here I am thinking that this is a software problem and all. i mean, how often do things like that happen, closed case and nobody touching the thing. lol
This is one of those things that'll put freakyfwoof into a perfect state for composing a very extensive rant. I on the other hand, can't be bothered.